Actually, I didn’t know she had gone, I checked out of this franchise after the first film. Not that I’d hated it or anything. As far as I recall. I think it was just that I saw it around the same time as that disaster of a film, Van Helsing, and so I ended up staying away from vampire films for a while.

All I remember of the first Underworld was that Kate Beckinsale looked damn fine in the outfit and I wished I looked that good in skin-tight pants. So, as far as I can tell, little has changed in the intervening 9 years. She’s pushing 40 and still looking well. But that’s not being fair to the film at all, it has a lot more to offer than Beckinsale… There’s Michael Ealy and Theo James for the ladies as well. Ah no, I jest, there is more than that, I swear.

This is the first of the series to be directed by Swedish duo, Måns Magnus Mårlind (what a name!) and Björn Stein. The only other English language film the pair have directed was Shelter, starring Julianne Moore. I haven’t seen it, but with a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, I’m not exactly planning on picking it up.

With Shelter’s score in mind, I couldn’t help but wonder why Underworld: Awakening wasn’t screened for critics here. As we all know, this is rarely a good sign. Hence, I approached it with trepidation – and a 2 minute recap of the two films I’d missed from my cinema going partner. That trepidation was tempered by the fact that it’s an 18 cert film in Ireland and the UK. The Underworld franchise is hardly known for sex and nudity, so an 18 cert was bound to mean violence.

As it happened, I didn’t really need the recap. I remembered more of the first film than I thought and in any case there’s a short revisiting of the first three films at the start. With 3 years between films each time, I guess they’re used to having to bring the audience back up to speed quickly. The main thing you need to know is that in the last film, normal humans discovered the existence of the Lycans and Vampires. They were not happy about it.

So sets the stage for a “cleansing” of epic proportions.

I actually really enjoyed Underworld: Awakening. There’s always a lot to be said for having no expectations going into a film. I didn’t even know this film was out this week, that’s how in the dark I was. I wouldn’t go around saying it had the most amazing plot or performances… But, having already seen 4 out of the other 5 films out this week, I can say it’s probably the most entertaining of the week. Mind you, that’s still not saying much. I’ve only done the reviews of J. Edgar and Haywire so far, but you can take it from me that it’s a pretty poor week, Underworld 4 aside.

What’s most enjoyable about Underworld: Awakening is the action. With an 18 cert there’s no holding back. Selene kicks ass, and gets her ass kicked, from here to next Sunday with barely any let up. What let up there is is used to explain a perfectly serviceable plot. A rarity in a film like this these days. Recently action films seem to be struggling terribly hard with plots; unnecessary convolution is the order of the day. I can only assume they’re over-compensating out of a fear of being criticised for being too action oriented. I don’t know why they bother. People go to action films to see action. Right?

Anyway, with all the action on offer here, the target demographic should be satisfied. It’s worth mention as well that the 3D is pretty good. Ok, there are large parts of the film where you don’t need to wear your glasses, but it’s worth it for the parts where you do. Plus, it’s shot bright enough that you don’t have to worry about the type of murkiness that plagued The Darkest Hour. Of course… that’s not all that plagued The Darkest Hour, but that’s for a different review. You do still see that strange green hue you get with Real-D 3D glasses, but it actually suits the comic book stylings of the film so… it all works out really.

Some other reviews I’ve seen have criticised it as being a step away from the other 2 mythology-heavy sequels. Having never seen them, I have no idea if that’s true. Considering all 3 of the other Underworld films having come in for some fairly scathing reviews, I’m surprised they’ve decided to pick apart any changes.

As far as I’m concerned, if you’re looking for a glossy, 88 minute distraction with some good looking people being beaten every which way but loose… you could do much, much worse than Underworld: Awakening. This film is a bruised and bloodied hoot ‘n a half.

7/10

Have you ever watched a film which tells you; You’ve seen this all before?

Have you ever watched a film which tells you; You’ve seen this all before, in the films that came before this one in the series?

Does that sound like the kind of film you want to see?

Really?

Ok… well then Scre4m is the film for you.

Personally, I could have done with seeing a film that at least tried to do something slightly more original.

Of course, that’s not the point of the Scream films. The Scream films were all post-modern, all about being meta. The problem is, they’re on number four and you can’t go down the meta route indefinitely. You just can’t do the meta of meta of meta ad infinitum. You can try… but you’re gonna need a sharper writer than the one Scream uses…

I’m just going to out and say it. Scre4m did not work for me. It tries so damn hard to be clever. It tries really really hard to straddle the comedy and horror genres… and it just doesn’t pull it off. It just ends up a muddling kind of mess.

The comedy is actually pretty decent. There’s some funny lines and the trying to uber-smart and self-referential isn’t as annoying as it could have been. It made me laugh. It’s also not that kind of funny that you sometimes get in horror films. Where you’re laughing but then you wonder to yourself, was that meant to be funny or am I just a sick person? I got that a lot with the Japanese film Cold Fish the other day. Wow, that was a strange film. But we’re not talking about Cold Fish. Scre4m. Right.

The big problem with Scre4m (so it appears in the titles btw) is the horror part of the film. It’s just not scary. At all. I couldn’t even tell if it was trying to be scary. Not that those parts looked like they were trying to be funny, but if you try to create a horror film out of horror clichés then all you’re gonna get is a clichéd horror film. There’s literally nothing new in this film. And I know that’s the way it’s supposed to be but I have to ask the director and writer on this…

… What were you thinking? I mean… I just don’t understand what bit of this film is supposed to be scary. You can see everything a mile off, because you’ve seen it all before, so how is that scary? And even when they try to get a bit of tension going, it’s ruined the second they dip back into the self-referential stuff… which they do all the time because this isn’t a true horror film… it’s, you know, a horror film about people in horror films who have lived through incidents that sound just like the plot of horror films… Gah.

Oh, have I mentioned that it’s really long as well? It’s about 1hr 51m. Snip, snip I say. Even the opening scene went on too long. And what was laughable about it was that they criticised the character development in the Saw films. As though these films have character development. Sure, I know, that’s part of the joke (I hope) – that bit was more a sly stab* at the intricacy of the traps in the Saw films – We can do horror with just a knife! Fine, but guess what? Recycling the same damn story has gotten old. At least Saw films kept adding to the Jigsaw mythology as they went along. I’ll admit, they didn’t do it very well in the last 3 or 4 but at least they made some effort to try and tie in a new story.

I’d love to spoil the ending of this film but obviously I can’t. Needless to say, I was unimpressed. And the lazy attempt to bring it up to date by talking about Facebook, live vlogging, living life online. Whatever. It was painful. They never actually tied it in properly so it was just flapping around as a loose end to be grabbed at from time to time. A wasted opportunity.

It was all a bit of a pity. Though. It was actually better than I thought it would be. Just because of the funny bits…

Oh, I’ll give Scre4m a point for this. I liked how the characters were pretty aware of what to do if there’s a murderer on the loose. Checking in the back seat of the car, that kind of thing. They didn’t all go for the weapons as fast as I would have… but then I’ve been known to poke around my closets with a knife after some episodes of Criminal Minds… perhaps I’m a little more paranoid than most.

To sum up, it’s kinda half good.

5/10


* = see what I did there?

Anyway, enough chat out of me. This is a review.

The Crazies was a film that I really wanted to see in the cinema. I thought the trailer looked great and it’s a remake of a 1973 George A. Romero film called, believe it or not, The Crazies. So I figured this might be a horror film that had some ideas behind it. Even if they were re-hashed. At least it’s a re-hashing of a film that might have been good.

Actually I have no idea if the original Crazies was any good. I haven’t seen it. I hadn’t even heard of it till this one came out… so in retrospect, it probably isn’t a classic. That’s good though, it’s always messy trying to remake a classic. They always end up trying to please too many people.

Anyway, time went by and I never bothered my arse going to the cinema to see it. I really regret that now. I ended up watching it on DVD and I have to say, I bet it looked great on the big screen. There are some big sweeping looking scenes. This was that good-looking cinematography I mentioned in the “releasing this week” post. Ah well.

What of the film though? I liked it. In fact, I thought it was good. Mainly I liked the concept… which obviously I won’t talk about. No spoilers and all that jazz. All I’ll say that it’s zombie-invasion stylee. It worked well, built up the tension. I was even a little worried there might be some “crazies” round my house when I got home. It was after 2am…

Unfortunately it was not without flaws. You always have to suspend a little disbelief for these kinds of films but when a character makes the same mistake time and time again it starts to wear away your tolerance. I was complaining loudly about said character by the end of it. Seriously. You just can’t keep wandering off when everyone’s catching murder around you. Bah. a black spot on an otherwise very enjoyable horror film.

I didn’t let it bother me too much though. It’s been so long since I’ve seen a half decent horror film I’m willing to overlook a smack of idiocy on the part of the supporting characters. Director Breck Eisner even kept it interesting enough and moving at a fast enough pace for me to (mostly) overlook some of the more obviously plot holes – just pretend it could have happened people, just pretend it could have happened.

There’s not that much to write home about performance-wise. That is, they were all fairly bland… and probably slightly too good looking. I always think that makes a horror film look cheap. Not really fair but that’s just what I tend to think. Timothy Olyphant was reasonable but the script left something to be desired… I get the impression that, as the lead character, he had more to work with than the others. So perhaps any criticism of their abilities is somewhat unfair.

It was still good though, all the tension is built by the direction and the cinematography, so I’d be looking forward to seeing more from Eisner. And from cinematographer, Maxime Alexandre, apparently he did Switchblade Romance (Haute Tension) as well…. I didn’t love it but I think I remember it looking pretty good.

Oh, I forgot to mention., I like the title. It works for me.

7/10

Ok, ok, I’ll tell you what it is. A Serbian Film is probably the most notorious film you’ve never heard of. Well actually, you might have heard of it but just not realised. It’s the film that, in the UK last year, became the most censored film in 16 years – the BBFC decided to cut 4 minutes 11 seconds out of it for it to get a cinema release. Or perhaps you heard this – it’s the one that, earlier this month, got a Spanish film festival director accused of showing child pornography. No? Ah ok. Well, it’s that one…

A Serbian Film is an example of transgressive cinema. There may be more extreme films out there on the fringes of legal but if there are, I haven’t heard of them. To boil it down though, it’s a horror film about a retired porno star. If none of these things I’ve mentioned about it have in any way piqued your interest then definitely, move along. Nothing to see here.

Still here? Ok, so either you’ve already heard of it or you’re curious about it.

Right, two last things before I get to talking about the film. Firstly, I’m not here to cater to sick weirdos, nor am I here to save you from watching it. I’m not going to describe the various “shocking” scenes in this film. If you must know I’m sure there are various sites on the internet that will tell you. Hey, you can probably find some of the scenes on YouTube, off you go. Secondly, I decided I’m not going to give a rating out of 10 on this one. I don’t see how I can. I just going to tell you what I thought of it. That’s it.

Context. I’m a very curious person. I’ve seen quite a few “extreme” films. I’m not easily shocked. I’m not particularly squeamish. I don’t watch it myself but I’m not rabidly against porn. I like to make up my own mind.

I’d first heard about A Serbian Film in August 2010 when it was announced the Film4 FrightFest would not be showing it because of the cuts demanded by the BBFC. Then I read about it, about how horrific it supposedly was, all the “ban this sick filth” kind of stuff. It’s not that I particularly get a kick out of seeing stuff like that but I’m just that curious – I’ve seen some bad things happen on screen, how bad can it be?

The first thing that struck me at the end of it was that it was far more of a film than I expected it to be. To be honest I was rather expecting a mish-mashed collection of exploitative horrific scenes of gore. I thought it might be a bit of a laugh with a few good kills. At worst I thought it’d be a more extreme version of Hostel. I did not like Hostel.

That’s not what this film is at all. It is actually a film, with characters and a plot and everything. Granted, it’s not an enjoyable film. I find it impossible to say that I liked it. It’s challenging, no doubt, but that’s really the point. And it’s technically good. It looks great. This is not dodgy hand-held, “sure, we’ll just knock together any old crap” film-making. There’s real skill in this. Now, perhaps that’s so surprising that I’m giving too much credit, but this is a debut feature so credit where credit’s due. The director, Srdjan Spasojevic uses simple but effective devices to enhance the story-telling and he manages to (mostly) weave all those horrific scenes together into a coherent narrative.

The film-makers are adamant that it’s an allegory for how Serbian people and Serbian artists are being treated by their institutions. You can read their statement here.

I buy that. I don’t believe this film was made for pure exploitation. I think it was made by an angry man who wanted to put his point across in the strongest way that he felt he could reach people. The problem is, amidst the numerous scenes of rape, torture, porn and, from time to time, child abuse, it’s not an allegory that’s easy to make out – As in, I don’t see how you could possibly see it if you weren’t told. I suppose that’s why they have to keep going around telling people. Honestly, there’s no way. I know, I know, he even called the film “A SERBIAN FILM” but I’m sorry dude. There’s just no way.

I guess in a sense then, it’s not a particularly effective film. Or maybe that means it’s too effective. You’re so overwhelmed by watching poor Milos getting fucked over that you don’t notice that it’s not just Milos getting fucked over, it’s everybody. And man, does he get fucked over or what…

I forgot to tell you who Milos is. Ok. Like I said earlier, it’s a horror film about a retired porno star. Milos is the porno star. Quick intro – Our friend Milos is a nice family man who’s having trouble making ends meet. He used to, apparently, be the greatest porno star there ever was but that’s all behind him now. Until he’s made an offer, do this one last job and you and your family will be set for life. All you have to do is act natural… It’s never that simple is it?

So. I’d better get to talking about what everyone else has talked about. You know, the rape, the torture, the murder, the porn, the child abuse, how it all happens at once… Yeah. That “newborn porn” thing? That happens. Awful things happen in this film. If you watch it you will see horrible, horrific things happen. This is a fact. Let’s get this clear though. There is absolutely no suggestion that these things are ok. You’re not supposed to be looking dumbly at this, laughing away. All these things are portrayed as terrible acts. This is not an amoral film.

Some might say that this goes beyond the boundaries of what you should commit to celluloid. Having watched this, I don’t think there should be boundaries*. I don’t think anyone should have the right to stop a film-maker making a film like this. Undoubtedly this will mean that that “mish-mashed collection of exploitative horrific scenes of gore” I feared, will be made. I’m sure A Serbian Film has opened that particular flood gate, but so be it.

Personally, I haven’t been scarred for life by watching it. I said on the facebook page earlier that, how you find watching it will depend on who you are, and particularly on how you are affected by what you see on a screen. To me, scenes like these are fake. I’m sure some stuff this bad does happen to people but it’s not happening in front of me now. It’s not the news, it’s just a film.

Which is not to say that I’m never affected by the films I watch, but it’s generally emotional films that get to me. Ones that I can relate to and empathise with. I think the film that affected me the most was Grave of the Fireflies. The turn of phrase is that one “can’t imagine what it would be like”. That’s not true. I couldn’t know what it would be like but the film certainly makes me imagine it. A Serbian Film does not make me imagine what it would be like to be Milos – I don’t relate to it like that.

I’m sure that means that I didn’t experience it the way the film-makers wanted me to. I know I said it wasn’t exploitation, but at the same time I’m sure that the film-makers do want you to be disgusted, horrified, repulsed. They felt they needed to show the nasty, ugly side of whatever it was that they were railing against, by showing you something nasty and ugly. And it is nasty and ugly and all those other things. But I won’t be dreaming about what I saw. Hell, I’ve seen it twice now and I can still close my eyes at night.

Don’t get me wrong. It is horrifying. And disgusting. And repulsive. It’s not like I felt blasé watching it. I’m not that jaded. Even though I’d heard about some of the things that happen, I hadn’t heard about others. It is shocking stuff, it just doesn’t prey on my mind now.

Anyway, if you’re asking yourself “Should I watch A Serbian Film?” then… well. I can’t tell you that. I could not recommend that anyone watch it. And I deliberately leave out the “in good conscience” modifier there – I could not recommend anyone watch it – even to be cruel, even for a laugh to see them squirm. But conversely I can’t say that no-one should watch it. I would possibly tell certain people I know not to watch it, because I know them well and I know it would disturb them, but that’s as far as I would go.

Fact is, you’ll have to make that choice for yourself. I do think people should be warned – if you watch this film you will see horrific, extremely violent things happen to people. And a lot of sex, that seems to get forgotten over violence sometimes. You probably haven’t seen anything like A Serbian Film before. You’re probably not going to enjoy it. Remember you were told this. I’ve seen Martyrs, I’ve seen Visitor Q, not even close.

I had the good fortune, the second time, to see this with a group of people. A group who didn’t know this was what they were going to see. I liked that, it was nice to get to talk about it afterwards and hear what other people thought – certainly it was better than sitting alone in my room wondering what the hell I was going to do with the rest of the evening… One person remarked that it was a conversation starter. Perhaps…

Have you seen A Serbian Film? No, what’s it about? Err…

Have you seen A Serbian Film? Yes. Ah, ok, did you enjoy it? Err…


Like I said earlier, I’m not doing a rating out of 10 on this one, I’ve chickened out… To sum up, all I’ll say is that, in my opinion, it’s not shite.

So there you have it, it’s up to you now.

* = Well, there should be legal boundaries in the sense that no-one taking part in the film should be exploited or subjected to any risks but I mean artistically.

… Then I didn’t hear about it again until it popped up on DVD this week. I figured, hey, why not?

I have to admit, I had low expectations… real low. I really didn’t like Open Water. But, to be honest, I’m actually glad I did bother in the end.

The Reef is a much more interesting film than that one. Written and directed by Andrew Traucki and starring a cast of unknowns… well to be fair, I have no idea if they’re known in Australia, but they’re unknown to me, it skips along at a jaunty pace. While I wouldn’t claim that I really felt for the characters, they were decent and likeable so you didn’t want to see them get eaten by an ol’ Great White. As I so often would in these types of films. Traucki even manages to throw in a bit of subplot which doesn’t feel tacked on for the sake of it. Definitely a cut above the usual.

Speaking of the shark, or sharks, they looked good! No cheapo special effects here. Those were real sharks and with them the film-maker managed to create some real tension. No mean feat in a film where you’re pretty sure you know what’s going to happen from the minute you look at the DVD cover.

All in all, it’s a good addition to the genre. Worth a look, and a bag of popcorn, if it appears in your local DVD store.

Hmm… this may actually be the shortest review I’ve ever done.

7/10

The Reef is out on DVD from 24th January 2011.

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon in Dublin when I pegged it down from The Barge to Movies@Dundrum to catch a half empty screening of PA2. Half empty but populated by teenagers. Which was actually ok to be honest, it added a bit of atmosphere to the proceedings. A crowd of girls screaming definitely made some things seem scarier than they were. Actually that’s not true at all but it was nice to see someone was scared.

I was gonna ramble on but you know what? I can’t be bothered. Fact is I think this movie was a complete waste of time. I mean seriously, didn’t I see this film last year?

I know this is absolutely my own fault really. I listened to the hype. I’d heard that this one was better than the first one and, rather naïvely, I had assumed that this might because they had gone the way I wanted them to go. That is, I imagined that they might have moved away from cheap jump scenes and into a more creepy, insidious, psychological type of a scare. In my mind this is what “better” meant. Obviously I was wrong. Apparently “better” means… No… I still can’t work out what “better” meant in this context. Wait, maybe they were referring to the fact that the makers have switched over to using more static cameras. This one didn’t make me feel like I was going to puke… I guess that could be one thing that was better.

To be honest, when I first left the cinema I wasn’t that annoyed with this film, I never am that annoyed straight away. That’s probably because I’m all hopped up on sweets and popcorn. It’s only after about 20 mins that I settle into what I’ve just seen and start to pick at it… That’s when I really realised this film had nothing going for it. I was so bored watching it. So bored. Nothing happens. At one point I was just counting the number of times we saw the different camera views… I don’t have an eidetic memory I’m pretty sure that by the end of the film I could have drawn, in detail, all the views we saw and the layout of the house, no bother. An hour and a half of staring at CCTV footage with nothing happening. Oh wait, I tell a lie. There was that pot that fell down. Glad I spend €10 to see that.

As much as I disliked the first Paranormal Activity, I have to admit that it did have one thing going for it. It had a good idea. It was a small idea and it’s not one that worked for me at all, but I do think it was good. At the core of it I didn’t think Paranormal Activity was a bad film. I could see what they were doing, I just didn’t like it. Once you’ve used up that idea you need to move on. I don’t know how these guys have got away with churning out exactly the same film on a vastly inflated budget. Honestly, who green lit this script? Why? Why? And actually, how did they manage to spend so much more money making it. I hear the first one was made for $15,000. How did making exactly the same film cost like 200 times more? Seriously.

Whoops.

I said I wasn’t going to ramble on. I guess I was wrong. Look, straight up. I hated this film. It brought nothing new to the table. This was just blatant profiteering and I handed over my cash. What can I say, fool me twice.

You know what the worst thing is? They’ll probably fool me a third time as well… After all, I am ever the optimist.

3/10

Actually, because I’m in a generous mood, I’m going to give it one thing… but it’s a spoiler so you’ll have to highlight the brackets.
[I liked the haunted pool cleaner, that was funny.].

Considering it’s now in it’s 13th year, I really don’t know how that happened. The only explanation I can come up with for my ignorance is that, they don’t seem to promote themselves very much (apparently they don’t have to) and up until this year I was very rarely in the IFI… because they kind of scared me a bit… it’s not really a stronghold for “average films”.

For those of you who haven’t heard of the Horrorthon either, the concept is simple, 4 days of horror films, both new and old. This year’s programme includes the first Irish showings of Paranormal Activity 2, Monsters and the controversial remake, I Spit On Your Grave as well as some well-loved classics. The festival runs from 21st – 25th October 2010 in the Irish Film Institute and you can have book tickets through their website

The full programme was announced there the other week and there’s a good few there that seem to be worth a look. Here’s my pick of what’s on…

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

Normally I do a whole “save the best till last” thing, but I can’t this time. I’m too excited!

This film has been on my list for a good while. Earlier in the year I made brief contact with the distributors to try and convince them to sort out an Irish general release but unfortunately nothing ever came of it. Needless to say I am delighted that it’s finally coming to an Irish cinema. I have my ticket booked and I swear, if it gets cancelled or something I will cry.

Course, you’re probably wondering what the hell is Birdemic? Well! The writer / director James Nguyen calls it as a “romantic thriller” but everyone else is calls it one of the best worst films ever made. It follows the story of a small town which comes under attack by a platoon of eagles and vultures. Why? I have no idea.

Unfortunately I can’t embed this video but have a look over at this video report about it on BBC.com to find out what all the fuss is about.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror is screening on Saturday 23rd October at 11pm. You can book tickets here.

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1958)

Quite simply, I love Plan 9 from Outer Space, it’s a perfect example of how it takes more than passion to make a film.

Poor ol’ Ed Wood, he just wanted so badly to have his vision of an alien invasion by zombie seen by all that… folklore has it, he actually got some of the cast baptised in the Southern Baptist Convention faith. The church apparently insisted on it before they would invest in the film.

Make no mistake. Plan 9 from Outer Space is not a good film. Ok, you have to give Ed Wood a bit of credit for persevering even after his lead actor died in the middle of production… but that unfortunately situation only explains one of the myriad problems. It is a terrible film. The plot’s ridiculous, the script is laughable and the continuity errors know no bounds. Seriously, it has to be seen to be believed.

Still… if you don’t leave this film with a smile on your face then I’m sorry but you have no heart. To me this film ecapsulates how in love with film a person can be, but yet not have a clue about it.

Plan 9 from Outer Space is screening on Sunday 24th October at 11pm. You can book tickets for it here.

Monsters (2010)

It occurs to me that perhaps I should highlight a film that might actually be good…

Monsters is a new, very low-budget British sci-fi film. Six years after Earth has suffered an alien invasion the aliens have taken hold of part of Mexico and it has effectively become a quarantine area. While US troops battle to keep the aliens out of the North America, an American photojournalist agrees to try to escort his wealthy employers daughter through Central America and the “Infected Zone” and back on to US soil.

This film generated great buzz when it was screened at South By Southwest and the Los Angeles Film Festival over the summer. One critic said that, given it’s budget of $15,000 (yes, you read that right, $15,000), it’s “One of the top cinematic achievements so far this century”

You can see a bit more about Monsters, including the trailer, on it’s official website

Monsters is the closing film of this year’s Horrorthon and will be screening on Monday 25th October at 9.10pm. You can book tickets for it here.

Spiderhole (2009)

I don’t actually know that much about Spiderhole, I’m highlighting it because I like the title.

It’s the feature film debut of the writer / director, one Daniel Simpson. Four art students go in search of the perfect squat where they can live rent free and without the tyranny of a landlord stifling their artistic natures. Having found a suitable abode, they move in and begin to take over. Unfortunately for them (this being a horror film and all) it appears they are not alone…

Who knows, could be good. I do know that it’s mostly filmed in Ireland though so that’s good enough reason for me to support it.

Spiderhole is screening on Saturday 23rd October at 19.30pm. You can book tickets for it here.

Phenomena (1985)

You can’t really have a horror film festival without a film from the legendary Dario Argento. Sure, his output might be patchy at times but if there’s no space for at least an oldie then it’s a sad day for horror.

Phenomena stars a 15 year old Jennifer Connelly as the young daughter of movie star, sent to study in a Swiss Academy for girls. Turns out there’s a serial killer on the loose. So far so normal for a horror film. Then it turns out that our young protaganist can control insects. Excellent.

Also there’s an entomologist with a chimpanzee assistant… and the soundtrack features songs by Iron Maiden and Motörhead. Do you need another reason?

Horrorthon will be screening the original 110 minute cut of this film, as opposed to the 82 minute US edited version.

Phenomena is screening on Saturday 23rd October at 4.50pm. You can book tickets for it here

Surprise film

It’s always nice to have a surprise film in a festival and Horrorthon does not disappoint. There it is, on Sunday 24th at 7.15pm.

I have no idea what it will be this year but in the past (which you will already know if you clicked the link) they have screened the Irish premieres of The Others, The Machinist (great film, see it if you haven’t already) and Paranormal Activity.

Obviously I’ve never been to the surprise film at this festival, since I’d never heard of it before this year, but I have been to the one at the Jameson Dublin International Film Festival a few times. There’s something very exciting about sitting down in a packed theatre to watch a film that you know absolutely nothing about. The shared anticipation is an unusual but great feeling..

So that’s it for the films I’m highlighting. Hope you get to go along to a few and you can download the pdf of the full programme at this link.

Or, if you want a taste of the opening night film then have a look at this clip. Paranormal Activity 2 will also be going on general release in cinemas that Friday 22nd October 2010.

The Human Centipede really is a film whose reputation precedes it. Pretty much everyone who’s watched the trailer or read the synopsis seems to think it’s sick as hell. So, if you’re gonna think less of me just because I’ve watched a sick film or two, you should probably just stop reading now.

You can’t really talk about The Human Centipede without knowing the main thing about it. I can’t imagine there are many people who’ve heard of it who don’t know what it’s about. The poster gives you an idea anyway… Just in case you really haven’t heard though… it’s about this crazy German surgeon who has decided he wants to make a human centipede… That is, he wants to sew a few people together face to arse and see how they get on. Yeah… what a bastard. Naturally, I was curious. I’m a curious person and everyone’s reaction to the idea of the film seemed so extreme that I just felt like I had to see it for myself. You can’t rely on other people’s opinions on this kind of thing…

I guess there is one more thing to say, before I get on to actually telling you what I thought of the film…

What you make of it will entirely rest on whether you’ve seen many films that go out of their way to shock you, and what you thought of them. I guess I’m talking about the full range here, from great films like Antichrist to crappy plotless films like Monster Man or Hostel. If you can’t handle films like these then you’re probably just going to think that The Human Centipede is sick filth and should be banned.

If, on the other hand, you have no problem with those then you might just feel the same way about The Human Centipede as I do.

Which is to say that I thought it was rubbish. The best I can say about it is that there were some nice looking shots in it and the mad surgeon Dr. Heiter (played by Dieter Laser) was good at being a creepy bastard in a B grade horror. Beyond that it had no real redeeming features whatsoever.

You know what, I’m pretty much just gonna tell you about what happens in it. It’s too hard to tell you how crap it is without saying something about the plot… I’ll do ya a deal. I won’t give away the ending. Hope that’s enough.

Anyway, so it all starts badly with the two American girls on a road trip in Germany. Well it’s not the opening scene but it is where it all goes wrong. These were two of the worst acted, most annoying characters I’ve seen in a horror film recently. I guess I shouldn’t have let it get to me, the tourist girls in a horror film tend to be pretty annoying and generally cast for their looks. But I did let it get to me, they were awful. Awful.

In true horror cliché their descent begins with a flat tyre in the forest. All the while they whinge and shriek at each other about whether they should go outside, who they should call, what should they do next… At one point while they were lost in the forest, lamenting away loudly, I turned to my mate and said “I can’t wait till her mouth gets sewn to an arse”. I hated these girls. Fortunately they soon found their way to the surgeon’s house and they didn’t have much to say after that.

Aside from those two there’s a Japanese fella who the doctor kidnaps when he realises his previous acquisition won’t match the girls. Poor Katsuro doesn’t really have much to do except scream in Japanese, he’s not entirely sure what’s going on but the diagrams soon make it clear enough. Lucky for him he does get to head up the centipede. That definitely looks like the best place to be. He’s pretty much a non entity throughout the film – aside from briefly, near the end.

That’s pretty much it for the character introductions. Our victims are completely one dimensional.

Dr Heiter is actually comparatively interesting. In that he has a back story. He is very successful and well-regarded separator of conjoined twins. Good for him. Course, now he’s retired and has apparently gone crazy. It’s not entirely clear why he’s decided he wants to join people together but I assume it’s meant to be some reaction to his previous profession. There doesn’t particularly seem to be a sexual element to it anyway. Thank the lordi. As horrifically unpleasant as that added theme would have been, I’m even more glad because I really don’t think the writer / director or actors would have had the chops to pull it off.

Anyway, as I mentioned, this character was the one bright spot in the film. Dieter Laser is one scary bastard and he does manage to make the doctor believable as opposed to laughable. I shudder to think how much worse this film would have been without him. Ok, ok, he is a bit of a cartoon villain but he’s entertaining and it seems appropriate given what he’s up to.

The real problem with the film is that it really is just plain boring. Boring and stupid. Just one example – One of the girls tries to escape but, because she’s an idiot, as soon as she finds a way out of the doctor’s house, she decides to go back to her drugged up mate. It makes sense because she can obviously carry her and she knows the doctor is incapacitated… oh, no, wait. That’s not the case at all. There’s no reason to go back for her. We don’t even know if they’re good friends, all we saw of them previously was them bitching at each other in the forest. Whatever.

Then there’s the whole gore issue. So the doctor gets the girl back and after some explanation using some overheads, the operation can commence. Then it’s over. You barely see anything. Not that I particularly wanted to see a dude sew someone’s face to another person’s ass, I really didn’t, but from the reputation of the film I would have thought you’d see something. I guess it’s slightly gory here and there but nothing compared to most in the genre. What the hell has everyone been talking about? Honestly. Yes, it’s a manky idea but overall the film just isn’t particularly sick. It’s boring… BORING.

Then the director does the big reveal and there’s nothing left but to watch the doctor trying to train his new centipede. I thought it would become clear then why he’d done it… but no. Just for a laugh as far as I could tell. Pointless.

Ok, at the end there is, what I can only assume is meant to be a shocking climax with some cops and stuff. Personally I just thought the ending all felt a bit rushed which I guess was fine because I didn’t really give a crap any more. I was actually falling asleep a little at this point. It’s not really a bad ending but I didn’t feel the impact that the film was so obviously desperate to create with it. I can’t really think of what else to say about it. I was happy it was finally over?

The truth is The Human Centipede is badly conceived, badly scripted and badly acted film. It absolutely does not deserve the attention that has been paid to it. It’s just another crappy low budget horror film made by a guy who had one shocking idea but no concept of what to do with it. I do believe that people can make whatever shitty films they want to make, but if they put it out there it obviously means I can say whatever the hell I want about it… and I call no-talent hack on this one.

I’m gonna stop short of telling you not to see it. I know if you’re as curious about it as I was then everything I’ve just said won’t stop you. I’d heard it was crap before I saw and I still watched it… and I’m glad I did. I always think it’s worth finding out what the fuss is about. It’s just that in this case it really is much ado about nothing.

3/10

In case you’re wondering why it got a 3 rather than a 1. I’m giving it a 3 because, as I mentioned, there were some nicely shot scenes. Also there was one funny scene with another driver on the road in the forest. Also it did make me retch a little bit, so there was an element of job done – but that didn’t really have anything to do with the whole centipede thing. Oh yeah, and it was kind of funny seeing how, most of the time, they kept strategically placing limbs to umm… preserve the girls modesty.

… that’s right, Piranha 3D is most definitely, and unashamedly…

… a B movie.

Then again, what were you expecting from a film about prehistoric killer fish?

Truth be told, there isn’t much to be said about Piranha 3D. It’s pretty much exactly what they promised. Between the fake website, the leaked set photos and the fact that it’s apparently used the most fake blood ever in a film, there was never another way Piranha 3D could go.

What surprised me though is that it’s actually pretty good. Not good like Snakes on a Plane, which actually had a plot and all, but good fun. This could have all gone horrible wrong. Lordi knows every time I think “How badly can you mess up a slasher flick?” I come across a film that proves exactly how big a mess can be made.

Fortunately, Piranha 3D has pretty much everything you want from this type of gorefest… Ridiculous deaths, miraculous escapes, plucky heroic acts, stupid cowardly selfish acts, hot girls, idiot men, dodgy techno, a floating penis… Alexandre Aja really crammed it all in there. Everything and the kitchen sink… Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if they only stopped at 80,000 gallons of fake blood because there wasn’t anything left down the fake blood bank. Personally, I could have done with slightly less boobage, I’m just not a big fan of staring at boobs, but I can appreciate how the film would have been diminished with less of them, so fair enough.

The thing I found most surprising about it was the quality of the support characters. I would have expected nothing but there were actually loads of people you’d know in this film, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames all made an appearance. Dina Meyer (Starship Trooopers), Ricardo Chavira (Desperate Housewives) and Adam Scott (who particularly stood out in the CSI and L&O episodes I’ve seen him in) may not be as well know but you’d certainly know them if you saw them.

I also want to make particular mention of Kelly Brook and Jerry O’Connell. Perfectly cast in their respective roles. I’ve always liked Jerry O’Connell, Stand By Me is one of my favourite films, he made Joe’s Apartment tolerable (no mean feat considering my morbid fear of cockroaches) and yes I’ll admit, I was a big fan of Sliders. As for Kelly, I presume this means that Ms. Brook has given up on the idea of having a real acting career? Ah well, at least she’s not doing crappy ads for breakfast biscuits with Johnny Vaughan. Shaking her tits in a Hollywood B movie is still 10 times better than that.

I suppose I have to throw a little criticism in here. It’s not perfect. There’s some stupid stuff in it, stupider than it should be… and I do think that Christopher Lloyd is criminally underused, though that might have been his choice. Also, there’s a few people I would have kept alive, it would have been nice to see them in the sequel. Given the critical response though I’m sure they’ll manage to rope in a few more names to fill their spaces.

Oh! Also, I’m still convinced that 3D films lately are much too dark. Would it really be that hard to turn the light up a bit? Maybe it is that hard but it’s still something they should work on. I, for one, am getting a bit sick of squinting at every dark scene in a 3D film. Avatar looked great so there’s no excuse. It seems like I wouldn’t be hard… just do it already! Of course, in the grand scheme of Piranha this was a fairly minor annoyance, I just though I’d mention it.

So the fact is, Piranha 3D is a triumph of its excess. I’m definitely looking forward to the sequel (presumably Piranha 3D 2?) and if you like a laugh and you’re not squeamish, I recommend you give Piranha 3D a look. Though not necessarily in 3D.

7.5/10

Splice was one of those films that sounded interesting enough to take note of but not interesting enough to actually find out any more about it. Cross bred mutants? In my head it had fallen into the Species category… could be interesting but more likely to turn out crap.

This has meant that, in some weird messed up way, I was quite happy with Splice. Kind of. It’s kinda like being happy about eating coal because it doesn’t taste like dog shit. It’s a good thing… but you’re not exactly going to jump for joy.

Just in case you have no idea what I’m talking about, Splice is about two scientists working in a pharmaceutical company who create an all new gene-spliced life form using human DNA. That part’s fine, good solid sci-fi topic which everyone can understand; moral dilemma, scientific advancement vs. ethics, money vs. social responsibility. All well and good. And obviously, genetic engineering is a hot-button topic at the moment. I’m cool with that. I love those kinds of films. But Splice never quite makes it to the heady heights of moral debate.

That’s the basic problem with Splice. I get the feeling that it thinks it’s was a bit heavier than it is… it never quite crosses the boundary from schlock-horror over to meaningful discussion of the topic. Now, to be fair, I’m not entirely sure if it was meant to because every time they look like they’re going that way they veer off in some other direction… but I have to imagine it did mean to. If it thought it was a B-grade splatter horror then there should have been a hell of a lot more splatter.

Never mind though, if you can accept what you’re getting then it’s not really that bad. That really is the best I can say about. It’s pretty much exactly what I thought about the other Vincenzo Natali films I’ve seen, Cube (which he also wrote) and Cypher. Half way there. Those films were better though, Splice verges a little too far into the ridiculous for me to really recommend it everyone. In particular, there were one of two crucial scenes that, in my opinion, were a little too shoe-horned in. They should have been able to flow far more naturally into them. Oh well, I guess they did what they could.

Despite that, personally, I did enjoy it… a bit. Aside from those scenes I can’t point anything that sticks out as particularly wrong with it. Those scenes themselves are ok, they don’t ruin the film and in general… the acting is fine, it looks reasonable, it’s not particularly boring… it’s just…. not as good as it should be. For me, I liked the ideas behind it. I guess I’m just sucker for sci-fi, even if the ideas aren’t particularly well dealt with, I’ll be happy watching them unfold. However creakily.

I suppose part of me is just annoyed that it wasn’t brilliant and I’m being slightly harsh on it because of that. I think it had some genuinely original ideas in it. No mean feat in a subject which has been so throughly debated. It could have been great and, to be honest it wasn’t really that far off the mark. But it was definitely off.

Bottom line is though, if you’re looking for a decent scary horror flick, don’t bother. If you’re thinking there might be a good examination of the ethics of genetic engineering then guess what, there isn’t. If you’re looking for a bit of gore… well, there’s a bit of that, but it’s not really worth it… In fact, the only reason I would give for anyone to go and see this film is if you’re a fan of David Cronenberg. In that case you might find it kind of interesting to see another take on the genre he perfected. I am a fan of Cronenberg… so… I think it was kind of worth seeing. Well, I don’t regret seeing it anyway so… that’s got to count for something…. right?

If you have seen it, let me know what you think – I know I’m being somewhat non-committal in this review so I’d love to hear from anyone who did really like it. Or anyone who hated it. I’m not fussy.

5.5/10