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film review: Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

November 20, 2010 // 1 Comment

You may wonder why, after how little I thought of Paranormal Activity, I decided to see Paranormal Activity 2… Let’s just accept that I did and get on with the review.

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon in Dublin when I pegged it down from The Barge to Movies@Dundrum to catch a half empty screening of PA2. Half empty but populated by teenagers. Which was actually ok to be honest, it added a bit of atmosphere to the proceedings. A crowd of girls screaming definitely made some things seem scarier than they were. Actually that’s not true at all but it was nice to see someone was scared.

I was gonna ramble on but you know what? I can’t be bothered. Fact is I think this movie was a complete waste of time. I mean seriously, didn’t I see this film last year?

I know this is absolutely my own fault really. I listened to the hype. I’d heard that this one was better than the first one and, rather naïvely, I had assumed that this might because they had gone the way I wanted them to go. That is, I imagined that they might have moved away from cheap jump scenes and into a more creepy, insidious, psychological type of a scare. In my mind this is what “better” meant. Obviously I was wrong. Apparently “better” means… No… I still can’t work out what “better” meant in this context. Wait, maybe they were referring to the fact that the makers have switched over to using more static cameras. This one didn’t make me feel like I was going to puke… I guess that could be one thing that was better.

To be honest, when I first left the cinema I wasn’t that annoyed with this film, I never am that annoyed straight away. That’s probably because I’m all hopped up on sweets and popcorn. It’s only after about 20 mins that I settle into what I’ve just seen and start to pick at it… That’s when I really realised this film had nothing going for it. I was so bored watching it. So bored. Nothing happens. At one point I was just counting the number of times we saw the different camera views… I don’t have an eidetic memory I’m pretty sure that by the end of the film I could have drawn, in detail, all the views we saw and the layout of the house, no bother. An hour and a half of staring at CCTV footage with nothing happening. Oh wait, I tell a lie. There was that pot that fell down. Glad I spend €10 to see that.

As much as I disliked the first Paranormal Activity, I have to admit that it did have one thing going for it. It had a good idea. It was a small idea and it’s not one that worked for me at all, but I do think it was good. At the core of it I didn’t think Paranormal Activity was a bad film. I could see what they were doing, I just didn’t like it. Once you’ve used up that idea you need to move on. I don’t know how these guys have got away with churning out exactly the same film on a vastly inflated budget. Honestly, who green lit this script? Why? Why? And actually, how did they manage to spend so much more money making it. I hear the first one was made for $15,000. How did making exactly the same film cost like 200 times more? Seriously.

Whoops.

I said I wasn’t going to ramble on. I guess I was wrong. Look, straight up. I hated this film. It brought nothing new to the table. This was just blatant profiteering and I handed over my cash. What can I say, fool me twice.

You know what the worst thing is? They’ll probably fool me a third time as well… After all, I am ever the optimist.

3/10

Actually, because I’m in a generous mood, I’m going to give it one thing… but it’s a spoiler so you’ll have to highlight the brackets.
[I liked the haunted pool cleaner, that was funny.].

film review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

October 10, 2010 // 3 Comments

So the other day I mentioned on my own facebook that I was going to take a stab at watching The Human Centipede. Or to give it its full title, The Human Centipede (First Sequence)… apparently the writer/director, Tom Six has plans for a follow up. Anyway, a couple of people asked me to let them know how I got on. I could just reply there but I thought I was better off making this a PSA…

The Human Centipede really is a film whose reputation precedes it. Pretty much everyone who’s watched the trailer or read the synopsis seems to think it’s sick as hell. So, if you’re gonna think less of me just because I’ve watched a sick film or two, you should probably just stop reading now.

You can’t really talk about The Human Centipede without knowing the main thing about it. I can’t imagine there are many people who’ve heard of it who don’t know what it’s about. The poster gives you an idea anyway… Just in case you really haven’t heard though… it’s about this crazy German surgeon who has decided he wants to make a human centipede… That is, he wants to sew a few people together face to arse and see how they get on. Yeah… what a bastard. Naturally, I was curious. I’m a curious person and everyone’s reaction to the idea of the film seemed so extreme that I just felt like I had to see it for myself. You can’t rely on other people’s opinions on this kind of thing…

I guess there is one more thing to say, before I get on to actually telling you what I thought of the film…

What you make of it will entirely rest on whether you’ve seen many films that go out of their way to shock you, and what you thought of them. I guess I’m talking about the full range here, from great films like Antichrist to crappy plotless films like Monster Man or Hostel. If you can’t handle films like these then you’re probably just going to think that The Human Centipede is sick filth and should be banned.

If, on the other hand, you have no problem with those then you might just feel the same way about The Human Centipede as I do.

Which is to say that I thought it was rubbish. The best I can say about it is that there were some nice looking shots in it and the mad surgeon Dr. Heiter (played by Dieter Laser) was good at being a creepy bastard in a B grade horror. Beyond that it had no real redeeming features whatsoever.

You know what, I’m pretty much just gonna tell you about what happens in it. It’s too hard to tell you how crap it is without saying something about the plot… I’ll do ya a deal. I won’t give away the ending. Hope that’s enough.

Anyway, so it all starts badly with the two American girls on a road trip in Germany. Well it’s not the opening scene but it is where it all goes wrong. These were two of the worst acted, most annoying characters I’ve seen in a horror film recently. I guess I shouldn’t have let it get to me, the tourist girls in a horror film tend to be pretty annoying and generally cast for their looks. But I did let it get to me, they were awful. Awful.

In true horror cliché their descent begins with a flat tyre in the forest. All the while they whinge and shriek at each other about whether they should go outside, who they should call, what should they do next… At one point while they were lost in the forest, lamenting away loudly, I turned to my mate and said “I can’t wait till her mouth gets sewn to an arse”. I hated these girls. Fortunately they soon found their way to the surgeon’s house and they didn’t have much to say after that.

Aside from those two there’s a Japanese fella who the doctor kidnaps when he realises his previous acquisition won’t match the girls. Poor Katsuro doesn’t really have much to do except scream in Japanese, he’s not entirely sure what’s going on but the diagrams soon make it clear enough. Lucky for him he does get to head up the centipede. That definitely looks like the best place to be. He’s pretty much a non entity throughout the film – aside from briefly, near the end.

That’s pretty much it for the character introductions. Our victims are completely one dimensional.

Dr Heiter is actually comparatively interesting. In that he has a back story. He is very successful and well-regarded separator of conjoined twins. Good for him. Course, now he’s retired and has apparently gone crazy. It’s not entirely clear why he’s decided he wants to join people together but I assume it’s meant to be some reaction to his previous profession. There doesn’t particularly seem to be a sexual element to it anyway. Thank the lordi. As horrifically unpleasant as that added theme would have been, I’m even more glad because I really don’t think the writer / director or actors would have had the chops to pull it off.

Anyway, as I mentioned, this character was the one bright spot in the film. Dieter Laser is one scary bastard and he does manage to make the doctor believable as opposed to laughable. I shudder to think how much worse this film would have been without him. Ok, ok, he is a bit of a cartoon villain but he’s entertaining and it seems appropriate given what he’s up to.

The real problem with the film is that it really is just plain boring. Boring and stupid. Just one example – One of the girls tries to escape but, because she’s an idiot, as soon as she finds a way out of the doctor’s house, she decides to go back to her drugged up mate. It makes sense because she can obviously carry her and she knows the doctor is incapacitated… oh, no, wait. That’s not the case at all. There’s no reason to go back for her. We don’t even know if they’re good friends, all we saw of them previously was them bitching at each other in the forest. Whatever.

Then there’s the whole gore issue. So the doctor gets the girl back and after some explanation using some overheads, the operation can commence. Then it’s over. You barely see anything. Not that I particularly wanted to see a dude sew someone’s face to another person’s ass, I really didn’t, but from the reputation of the film I would have thought you’d see something. I guess it’s slightly gory here and there but nothing compared to most in the genre. What the hell has everyone been talking about? Honestly. Yes, it’s a manky idea but overall the film just isn’t particularly sick. It’s boring… BORING.

Then the director does the big reveal and there’s nothing left but to watch the doctor trying to train his new centipede. I thought it would become clear then why he’d done it… but no. Just for a laugh as far as I could tell. Pointless.

Ok, at the end there is, what I can only assume is meant to be a shocking climax with some cops and stuff. Personally I just thought the ending all felt a bit rushed which I guess was fine because I didn’t really give a crap any more. I was actually falling asleep a little at this point. It’s not really a bad ending but I didn’t feel the impact that the film was so obviously desperate to create with it. I can’t really think of what else to say about it. I was happy it was finally over?

The truth is The Human Centipede is badly conceived, badly scripted and badly acted film. It absolutely does not deserve the attention that has been paid to it. It’s just another crappy low budget horror film made by a guy who had one shocking idea but no concept of what to do with it. I do believe that people can make whatever shitty films they want to make, but if they put it out there it obviously means I can say whatever the hell I want about it… and I call no-talent hack on this one.

I’m gonna stop short of telling you not to see it. I know if you’re as curious about it as I was then everything I’ve just said won’t stop you. I’d heard it was crap before I saw and I still watched it… and I’m glad I did. I always think it’s worth finding out what the fuss is about. It’s just that in this case it really is much ado about nothing.

3/10

In case you’re wondering why it got a 3 rather than a 1. I’m giving it a 3 because, as I mentioned, there were some nicely shot scenes. Also there was one funny scene with another driver on the road in the forest. Also it did make me retch a little bit, so there was an element of job done – but that didn’t really have anything to do with the whole centipede thing. Oh yeah, and it was kind of funny seeing how, most of the time, they kept strategically placing limbs to umm… preserve the girls modesty.

film review: Cemetery Junction (2010)

May 1, 2010 // 4 Comments

Been taking a break from watching films and writing reviews but I thought I’d better get back it. Unfortunately this means I have to think back a few weeks to work out what to write about. Then I remembered Cemetery Junction. I wish I couldn’t though.

I saw Cemetery Junction a good while back actually, at an early press screening a few weeks before it was released. I had to sign a embargo agreement though so I wasn’t able to blog / tweet about it at the time. It was probably best for them that I did sign that agreement… because I hated it.

Since the film has come out I’ve been seeing quite positive reviews for it. I honestly can’t understand that. I thought this was an awful film. Ok… maybe that’s a bit harsh. It wasn’t horrific or anything, we’ve not talking about worst ever territory. It’s just that it was all so terribly dull, unoriginal, flat, tiresome, boring… you get the picture. I did not think it was a good film.

My main problem with it was that there was no edge to it. As far as I can gather it’s supposed to be a coming of age film about three aimless losers in a nothing town who want to leave. And it kind of is, but it’s done in such a woolly, fluffy, cop-out way that it hardly matters what it’s about. The whole film dances along a line to its completely predictable conclusion. It’s as insubstantial as its oft repeated inane joke. In fact, the script repeats so many exchanges I started to wonder if they used Copy & Paste just to make the film a bit longer. As though it needed to be longer, 95 mins? It felt like 3 hours.

Most of the characters were shallow, half moulded stereotypes. Damsel in distress, evil boss, conniving fiancée of our damsel, angry young man (complete with black polo neck), village idiot, racist grandmother, Ricky Gervais. It was like watching a cartoon, no depth whatsoever. To be fair the lead was decent and likeable and there was a reasonable attempt to give him some motivation… though he was saddled with a script that had him flip flopping for no apparent reason. It makes me wonder if Gervais and Merchant are only capable of writing caricatures, unable to form normal, fully rounded people.

I really don’t know how this film has got any positive reviews. I’m baffled to the point of wondering if I actually saw a different cut from what went into the cinemas. I don’t see how it could be getting such good ratings. Perhaps people just love Ricky Gervais that much.

Oh by the way, this isn’t a comedy. Now, I didn’t think it was going to be a comedy so it’s not like I didn’t like it because it wasn’t what I expected. But I do think people who don’t know anything about it and are thinking of going just because they’ve seen Gervais’s name on the poster and they think he’s funny should be warned that this isn’t meant to be a riotous comedy. Don’t take this as a particular criticism on my part though, it’s just a fact.

So basically, I hated it and I don’t think anyone should bother wasting their time watching it. I will make this one concession though. There was one good scene toward the end which I did think had a sharpness and a reality to it. It was like they’d taken it from some other good film and spliced it in by accident.

That’s probably enough ranting from me… though to be honest I feel like I’ve gone easy on it. Oh well…

3/10

review: Friday the 13th (2009)

March 19, 2009 // 1 Comment

I don’t know if this film, imaginatively titled Friday the 13th, is meant to be a “reboot” of the franchise or what, but I can tell you this. It’s the worst Friday the 13th film that I’ve seen. I’m gonna dispense with my no spoilers rule for once. This movie deserves to be spoiled, anything to stop people from watching it.

I was looking forward to it. I like Jared Padalecki and having seen his Supernatural other half, Jensen Ackles, in the vastly superior My Bloody Valentine recently, I had reasonable hopes for Jared’s horror outing. I wouldn’t call them high hopes though, I mean it was still a slasher flick after all.

Anyway, as usual I hadn’t really read any reviews before heading to the film. I had skimmed one though – it said it was crap but since most reviewers say all slasher films are crap, this did not unduly disturb me. The one thing that did catch my eye was the mention of a wood chipper. Sounded promising. Nary did I suspect that this little detail would be the film’s folly.

It started off with some particularly annoying kids looking for weed in the forest. They were quickly dispensed with, but not without the poor unsuspecting audience being subjected to a horrible pair of boobs. Nasty. I did not need to see that.

Soonly we meet the real cast of the film. A group of similarly annoying kids except that they’re richer and have access to a beautiful lakeside house. Actually that’s not fair, two of them were barely annoying at all, they may as well have not been there. On the other hand, the rich jock, Trent, whose father owns the house was annoying enough for the three of them so we’ll call it even. This group meets our hero, Clay (Padalecki), who is searching for his sister, who went missing with the first group. As Clay is an attractive man and Trent is an immature paranoid sterotype of a character, friction erupts. Nothing interesting happens for a while but it culminates in Trent’s girlfriend going off with Clay to help him search for his sister.

In the meantime Jason’s abound. He’s not really moving quick enough though because there’s a lot of people still alive. Over the next while he pops up here and there killing people, nothing spectacular. Night falls. I forget exactly what happens but at one point they’re all trapped in the house. Eventually Trent is killed, but not before he has a chance to cheat on his girlfriend for no apparent reason apart from the fact that she was out for the day. Actually there’s a decent scene in the shed. That was a good killing… since I don’t remember any of the others I have to assume they weren’t particularly notable.

So in the end it’s Jason, Clay, Trent’s girlfriend and Clay’s sister. What? She’s still alive months later? Jason’s slipping. Anyway it’s showdown time. Where’s that wood chipper? Oh, there it is! Clay and Jason fight and they get ever closer to the wood chipper… in a film that has only managed to keep its body count up due to the earlier scene with first group, this wood chipper could be a bright splattery highlight…. closer… closer… oh he’s got Jason on the back foot… he’s going in! Oh wait. No, he’s not. Unbelievable.

What a complete waste of my time. Also it annoyed me that Jason just didn’t seem as terrifying as he has in other films. That was always the thing about Jason, he was this great hulking unstoppable figure. With this… mercy… for Clay’s sister, it just didn’t work. Not only was this an awful, boring, tensionless film. It was an insult to Jason and to the whole Friday the 13th series. And it wasn’t even 3D, all slasher films should be done in 3D by now.

We’d all be better off if we just imagined this film never happened. Jason X and particularly Freddy vs. Jason were right laughs, Friday the 13th part 13 better not disappoint.

Despite all that, I’m gonna give it a few points. I mean there was a story, there were characters, the lake looked good… It wasn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. I mean it wasn’t Jeepers Creepers.

3/10

review: Scar 3D (2008)

November 15, 2008 // No Comment

Actually I think Scar was released in 2007 but this was the 3D version that was re-released into cinemas in 2008. Though… I have no idea if the original “flat” version of Scar was ever released in cinemas here… I hope not. As far as I can make out, Scar is not a good film. Scar 3D certainly wasn’t.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned a few times in the blog, I like my horror films. I don’t scare particularly easily and I’ve no problem watching buckets of fake blood so it’s all good. The problem with liking horror films is that you end up feeling like you have to try them all out… So many people don’t like horror films that you kind of feel like you have to stick up for the genre sometimes. It was this particular feeling that led me to Scar 3D recently. That and the fact that it had 3D in the title. I’ve only seen one 3D feature film before (The Nightmare Before Christmas) and it looked great so I was interested to see what 3D could do for a horror film.

I should mention that I had been under the impression that Scar was made for 3D, I hadn’t realised that that it was just normal film that was turned into 3D.

The story is fairly standard fare. A women, who had been held prisoner in her teens by a serial killer but managed to escape, returns to her home town many years later. Next thing you know, young good-looking people who happen to be friends with her good-looking niece start turning up dead. There’s really not much point in talking about the plot. It’s unbelievably predictable. In fact if anyone wants to guess then write and comment and I’ll let you know if you’re right.

The blood and violence is nothing over the top – I mean it’s not particularly pleasant but it’s nothing more or less than you’d expect from your average horror/slasher film. Normally you’d expect a thriller element to a film like this… there isn’t really anything thrilling about it. And actually… the good-looking people aren’t that good-looking. So on the whole this is really a nothing film. There’s just nothing going on with it.

So what about the 3D? I hear you ask. Well… to be honest it wasn’t great. While watching the film I thought it was just me. I have a lazy eye and I did find in The Nightmare Before Christmas 3D that when things were particularly far away or close up then they looked a bit double. However I asked my two mates with normal vision afterwards and they said the same thing, there was a good bit of doubling in the picture and for some reason some parts of the picture looked reflective or something. It was really very strange. It did work a bit though in that it was 3D however the best 3D effects were in the title sequence… and that should hardly be the highlight of a night in the cinema.

I learned two things that night at Scar 3D…

1) Don’t be tempted by any old horror film.
2) 3D does not make a crap film interesting.

3/10